The Squirrels are Coming to Get Us!

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funny squirrels with guns (5)

The Squirrels are Coming to Get Us

By L.A. Story


Until recently, I was never all that interested in gray squirrel activity in North America … at least not until I had begun to be attacked daily by suicidal squirrels.

My husband and I have a very nice rural drive for most of the distance to my work and his college every morning. Now that autumn has finally arrived, the leaves are turning into gorgeous jeweled colors dripping from the trees overhanging the sun-dappled back roads.

A lot of times, Keith will put on some music and we find ourselves singing along – pulling out the tambourines and maracas and having a car concert party until – ACK!! – A furry gray creature has thrown itself at our car.

I jerk the wheel, narrowly missing the fuzzy missile. My heart is pounding.

What the heck?!

I am pretty sure Keith had to perform CPR chest compressions on himself.

We recover from that near-miss terror and have just begun to relax and begin air-guitar solos, when another kamikaze squirrel runs out in the middle of the road and squares off – little legs splayed in four directions and tail fluffed out.

We yell. We are pretty sure the squirrel yelled, too.

I slow down just enough that the squirrel apparently reassessed his life and decided to give survival another chance and he leaps out of the way at the last possible second.

I am grieving the little squirrel I thought I’d killed, but feel better when I look in my rearview mirror and there is no gray corpse in the road.

He lived!

I am not sure what has happened, but now this has become a morning thing – dodging furry missiles – on the way to work … until there was a new threat.

It seemed most dogs on these back roads are car-savvy. However, like an old movie I once saw – “Day of the Animals” – suddenly every dog that sees my car wants to eat it or play chase with it.

So, now daily, Keith works as a navigator yelling – “Incoming – canine variety – migrate 12 degrees east, NOW! Go, go, go!”

Or, “Engage Shields! Incoming Squirrel missile! This is a big one – engage photon canons!”

Our romantic, car concert has become a really terrestrial version of Star Trek.

We are dealing with the dangers … but just wanted everyone else to be aware of the gray terror.

Beware … the squirrels are coming and they are aiming for US.

(L.A. Story is a fiction writer, poet, and weirdo. She is a resident of Glen where squirrels are plentiful and possibly outnumber the humans – a fact that she finds kind of terrifying. Her blogs are supposed to appear weekly but whatever.)




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